I got to see Inside Out around 2 weeks ago and really got into the idea of the whole film... until I realized I wasn't getting into the really sad stuff, like the nitty gritty, Bing Bong's gonna *tooot* that sort of thing. I did shed a tear. Just one, for Bing Bong. But on the general note about Sadness being the main reason for the film's turn and that it is okay to be sad... It is okay. The point of the film is to let Sadness' "ability" as a sort of alert for people to know that Riley or in any case, any other person that he or she is sad.
I have my Sadness, but it doesn't seem to be working properly. I am sad. Many times. Lately, I have been very sad, for reasons unknown mostly, at times frustrations, fear mixed into a concoction of loneliness and tears in the night, but never did I cry in front of my parents letting them know my problem.
My parents are very good people. They try really hard to connect with their children and I could never fault them for not noticing my issues, of the thoughts I have in my head and whatnot. I thought around early of this year I was fine and I was gonna be alright and I just needed to stay happy so I won't fall into my depression again. It came back.
As if triggered into times when I don't need it, it felt like a swooped Battleship, making itself known. I tried to hush it down, let it go, but unfortunately, it's kind of eating me away. The only thing keeping me afloat right now is... well, my family, reading all the books I have to leave in this planet if I give up too easily.
Maybe it's because I'm dreading in the impending doom of facing reality... or maybe it's not even that, maybe it's the current system I am in that I have to deal with before I'd have to be a corporate zombie for the rest of my life. I'm just really tired and I'm just really sad.
I don't know what to call motivation anymore tbh. I wish I can just run into a psychiatrist or just really tell my parents... but I know, deep down. they'll never understand that sort of "millennial crisis" I'm going through right now. It's just... well, irrational and shallow in their book.
I know you're thinking that maybe, "Why don't you just ask them, maybe they'll have better opinions about it." But the truth is, that's the scariest thing. Their opinions. And there will be lots of them.
I wish I can just alarm them and I'll be like a five year old with a really bad tantrum, but when you're 21 (nearing 22) and you're expected to face the world in a couple of months, there's no time to be sad. No time to let the thoughts in my head rule over. Thank goodness for reading though, some of my friends and at least my parents naive, oblivious enthusiasm. It's been keeping me on my sanity at least.
I'm sorry that it seems that I'm making my blog a real pity party fest, but I always found writing incredibly therapeutic. Not writing fiction coz my head is way too jumbled for that for now. But thank you for reading and I hope you're in a better place and situation than I am. I'm trying to be better. I hope it pays out well.