Saturday, June 6, 2015

Misfit Talks: How The "Beauty Talk" Changed Me

Hi there Misfit booknerds! I'm gonna talk about something way too personal for me and in a sense might turn off some of you but seriously, I just wanna put it out there at least. I'm hoping this doesn't get too serious coz you all know how I hate that, honestly. I just want everything to be fun and quirky. Okay. Here I go.

Earlier this week, a Mom of a classmate I had in elementary (who I don't know if she had any major gas issues but she was, well, she had issues.), and I didn't exactly remember her at first glance. I was in my PJs and there's this huge group of women talking to my Mom because she's a councilor at these parts of my far, far away land. I decided to stroll downstairs, away from my hub, and get food and as I was making my way upstairs, my Mom calls upon me and tells me to say hi. Without even brushing my hair, and of course in PJ's, I said hi to everyone. My old classmate's Mom then said. "Mas maganda sya compare sa dati." which translates to "She's prettier compared to before."

I went upstairs, both happy and insulted. At some point, I couldn't shake the feeling from me that day. And memories of my elementary school days flashed before me. In grade school, I was dubbed the ugly kid, with a mouth too big for her face, unruly hair and a boyish attitude. I was bullied constantly by classmates and the only way I made friends was through offering little trinkets like bracelets or cute ballpens. Wow, at a young age, I was already buying friendship. Such a sad childhood, Jayvee. But it didn't exactly to people stop calling me names and bullying me for my physical appearance. I remember in 5th grade, I cried in the restroom while lunch was happening.

Well, in their defense, which I shouldn't really be considering, I was a rather skinny kid who wears oversized white shirts and rubber shoes to school. I gave them reason to attack me. But by then my self-esteem was plummeted to the surface of hell and I was left with nothing when I moved to high school. 

High school wasn't exactly as fun as most people would assume or claim it to be. I guess that only happens in teen comedies.... or John Hughes' movies. Skinny and a total outcast in a private school, I was nothing more than a pimple in the eyes of all the gorgeous girls and guys in the school. I thank God first and foremost for the huuuuge library in our school then. Bless our librarian's sweet, sweet soul.

Anyway, I don't know if I ever fitted in high school. At first I cared very much, because I was the outcast, the girl from the public school with dreams of making it big, with God knows what then. But, I ended up not caring by the time that I got too tired of it. I was tired about trying to get myself dolled up just to get the attention of many. And I was also too afraid that if I tried, I wouldn't exactly get people's sympathy but they'd rather pity me because I "TRIED".

But by the time I got to college/university, Things started to take a turn at least. Living with a predominantly male household, I was rather blessed with getting to take a break from all of life's sad, sad hardships when I lived in my Aunt's place in Manila, where I had two cousins. It was also the time that my sister started living with us, and it changed my perspective on making myself feel beautiful for myself than for others.

I started to mind make-up and what I wear, but because I wanted to look good when I stare at myself in the mirror. I guess, back then, as a kid and in my adolescence, I was too worked up with what people would think of me that I thought the way they see me is the reflection that I couldn't find in the mirror as a stared at myself, their views are what's important and that they should matter. Now, I think about those days in elementary and well, I came to a conclusion that I was pretty in my own right. And look, oversized shirts and rubber shoes are a thing now. I was actually a future trendsetter. LOLS. I even love looking at myself now even without all the make-up and whatnot and tell myself, "You look nice today, Jayvee. You really do." Let's just go back to that one feature where I said I talk to myself. Yeah.

With this, I think young girls shouldn't try too desperately to feel wanted by dressing up or making your face too pretty just because other people tell you you should. You are beautiful enough already and it shouldn't be a desperate attempt. Putting on make-up is one thing, but we all know beauty is from the inside, and which should actually count. 

I "WAS" never told that I was pretty. But I will always be beautiful. And all of you will always be beautiful in my eyes.

Tell me in the comments below if you've ever had the same experiences and revelations among yourselves, or if you've ever affected someone's life in a huge way. That would be great! Also, I feel the need to own a cat.

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