I missed posting things like this because I can just talk like I want to and rant like I want to and just make the mistake of not caring because lately I feel like I'm just conforming to things and I've gotten bored with it and so I started entering this spiral which was depression and for a while I didn't have the energy to blog and I felt miserable with reading. Even the most beautiful books seem so unattractive to me. I succumbed to my inherent madness and cried for reasons unknown and I knew I was entering a state of existential crisis, which I seem to have been having most of the time but I noticed that it is very apparent for my depression to kick in during August. And I have no freaking idea why. I just call it my "AUGUST DEPRESSION".
I still did reviews for books that were on tour because I didn't want to feel irresponsible for not doing them and the foundation that I had with some of the tour sites could be jeopardized. I did miss one review though because again, it wasn't just a reading slump. It was a full on shut-down from reading. I wasn't even visiting my nearest local bookstore, no matter how near it may be. I guess it was me thinking I'd only be lonely upon seeing them and not really having any money for them. Yeah.
On other news, school is very stoic. Plain. In other words, too normal. My life has become stale and an adventure I've been wanting for sometime couldn't seem to be sufficed by school. And I feel as though, even though I enjoy the company of my school friends, I feel like I'm betraying them when I'm just not interested with what they are talking about because I have thoughts of jumping off of a building. Some jokes even feel empty to me and I sometimes laugh to feel good for myself because a certain sorrow that I could not point out that keeps eating me alive rather than actually enjoying whatever it is that was so funny.I don't know if I just made sense.
And with not reading came the time where I would only be cooped up in my room, watching anime and reading manga which I haven't done in forever. Though blissful and yes, therapeutic, I also ended up realizing I have become a bum in the past month or less. I didn't even want to study for tests.
But I am thankful for positive and happy parents. No matter how dysfunctional, I'm really happy that they haven't made it hard for me during this weird time. And to my friends at school who put up with me, I am thankful that I have them and I'm sorry if I seem so out of it sometimes. To my booknerd friends, I love you! You give me such energy even through the time of not reading at all. To Alia, especially, for your words of encouragement. We can do this sweetie! :) Thank you. And to my blogger friends, who are as understandable as heck! You are all inspirations to me and you keep me going! To authors and books whom I've neglected, yeah, I'm sorry and yes, still, thank you, always. Kai, who became my instant anime buddy through Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun, thank you for sharing your time into fangirling with me. It made me happy even for the shortest time we talk about Nozaki-kun and poor, sweet Mikorin! To music and bands who fuel me up. And to God of course for giving me strength to wake up everyday to face the challenges that I did not know I could face. Thank you.
I am better now, I feel much happier and I've missed blogging and reading and I'm catching up on a few ARCs that were given to me by publishers. I'm actually very content for now. And I know that next year, most probably, I'd go through this again but I hope that it won't cause me to take my life. It's a weird thing to think about even if I know I could possibly evade it, but it just happens.